When Someone Shows You Who They Are – Pay Attention

The biggest lesson I have learned over the last few years is this...

When someone shows you who they are, pay attention!

I am almost 47, (say it quietly and it doesn't seem so bad), and I am only just starting to get my head around this fact. It's taken me several boyfriends, two failed marriages, neither of whom were bad men but neither of whom were right for me either, and one almost 8 year relationship that that at times could be extremely abusive.

That relationship almost destroyed me.

For 8 years he was my biggest support through everything. He pushed me to challenge myself and picked me up when I struggled. He encouraged me to demand better of myself, to expect better and to fight for the things I believed in even when everyone else was standing against me.

He could be an incredible human being and even up until just before things ended, we were still struggling to watch a movie all the way through without getting into a deep conversation about something. We didn't always agree on things, but we could talk for England!

I hear you asking, why the issue?

He sounds wonderful. It sounds like a match made in heaven and you would be right. It was for a huge amount of the time.

But he also drank. A lot.

Way more than anyone should and whilst sometimes he could be quite fun and vivacious, at other times it went the other way and he became incredibly cruel, cold, vicious and abusive with absolutely no warning. It would hit like a cyclone, and during the time it went on for, it caused huge amounts of mental and physical devastation.

The atmosphere in the house would change and the anxiety that I had managed to keep in check for those few weeks of peace prior to the explosion would begin to grow.

My stomach would begin to churn and my skin would crawl as if there were hundreds of ants all over it. My head would pound and I would feel terrified because I didn't know what this particular mood change would bring.

I only knew that the next four or five days would be horrific and I needed to try and hide as much as I could from my kids so that it had as little impact on their day to day existence as possible.

And then it would be gone, as quickly as it started.

It would always be my fault but I was okay with that.

I lived with that blame because it meant that the mood would disappear quicker and things would go back to normal for 5 or 6 weeks until someone said something wrong or something completely out of our control would kick it off again.

I lived on high alert for the majority of our relationship, but I did that because when he was good, he was great, and for a lot of the time in the earlier years he really was good.

I tell you all this not because I want pity. I don't want him to suffer. He has an addiction.

Trust me when I say he is suffering more than he could ever put on anyone else.

I tell you this because I had the warning signs right from the start of the relationship. We were together for a short while before the first mood swing hit. I just let it go.

It was early days, we didn't live together, I knew there was other things going on at the time and I guess that is the point I am trying to make.

He showed me who he was early on, and I chose not to pay attention.

I was sure I could change him, (that old chestnut), and as a result, I made the mistake of justifying everything and taking the blame.

In doing so, I created the pattern that dominated my life and caused huge emotional trauma for almost 8 years - probably for both of us because I do believe that somewhere in amongst all his pain, buried deeper than he cares to admit, there was a good person.

The pattern itself is known as the cycle of abuse and played a huge part in my life for a long time.

Let me just clarify, I am not for one second suggesting that I deserved any of what happened, however the signs were there early on and I ignored them.

I made excuses for them and I didn't set healthy boundaries that would have either ended the relationship or put him in a position where he would have had no choice but to figure out his triggers and deal with them if he wanted to be with me.

I talk about this openly because in society, we are encouraged to consider others feelings before our own. We are encouraged not to walk away from situations or people that maybe aren't the best for us and to fight for relationships. We are made to feel that we should get on with everyone and actually, life doesn't work like that.

We aren't all going to get along and even when we do, that doesn't necessarily make it a healthy relationship. We don't have to allow people to treat us in a negative or abusive manner because we don't want to hurt them or upset them. We don't have to put up with disrespect, disdain or ridicule no matter what you have been led to believe.

You choose your boundaries but you also have to be strong enough to walk away when they are crossed.

One boundary crossing can be changed.

Two is pushing.

Three or more is a pattern and that is someone showing you who they are and that no matter how respectful you are of them and others, they are choosing to disrespect you and will continue to do so, no matter how well you treat them.

Mental health is talked about so much more nowadays than it was when I was younger and that is an amazing thing. None of us get out of this thing we call life alive, and we all have our own demons that we fight every single day. I suppose what I am trying to say is that you have to start by looking out for you. The rest will fall into place. If something feels wrong, it probably is and the worst thing you can do is ignore that instinct. That instinct is what kept your ancestors alive and is there to protect you and keep you safe.

I truly believe that there is good in almost everyone but we don't know what battles they are facing behind closed doors. That snappy comment or derogatory judgement is more than likely hiding hurt that has turned into anger because they have refused to deal with their demons.

The thing is, that will always be their battle, and the only one who can change that is them. If they don't choose to then there is nothing you can do, and maybe that is one of the hardest lessons to learn!

Kindness goes a long way but not at the expense of your own mental health.

Always look after yourself first because you won't have the strength to be there for those you love if you don't.

I learnt that I could choose to walk away from people and relationships that drained me emotionally, physically and spiritually. Those people were/aren't my tribe, and do you know what, thats okay.

Everyone does not have to be. You cannot control who they are. That is their choice.

You can only choose the control that you allow them to have within your circle.

It a hard lesson to learn and one I am sure I will still struggle with for a long time, but its definitely one we all need to get our head around.

People always show you who they are. Make sure you pay attention.

Until next time.........