Gooooossfraaabaa.....

Once upon a time there was a little girl who wanted to take on the world.

She wanted to study sharks in their natural habitat, she wanted to write, she wanted to fight battles that other people couldn't, she wanted to photograph and report on the brutality and violence of war so that the world knew what was going on and would maybe stand up and say 'NO MORE'.

She wanted to sing and act and she wanted to be Prime Minister because being in that position would give her the opportunity to make real change that would help real people.

That little girl was me.

40 something years later, (nope, I am not revealing the something), I think about that little girl and all those dreams and wonder what happened. Where did those dreams feel like failures, and when did her view on the world change?

Where did she lose herself and the things that were important to her, and then I realise - there was no failure.

There were paths taken and lessons learned, but actually, she achieved a lot of what she wanted to.

Its been done quietly, behind closed doors and not in the public eye like she imagined it would, but that little girl has achieved a lot more than she gives herself credit for, and she continues to work hard on the things that she believes are important.

Its just that her view on the world changed as she got older.

Black and white became shades of grey. Staunch beliefs became more fluid as her understanding of the world and people began to develop and grow, and the small world she had surrounded herself with grew exponentionally, creating exciting and new opportunities to learn and develop.

You're probably asking yourself right now, what the devil has that to do with goosfraba, and you would be right to!

Stay with me though, I am getting to it.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the phrase, it comes from the film Anger Management.

I would highly recommend watching it if you haven't. Its an absolute riot!

Whilst I can't imagine that there is anything in there that would offend anyone, don't blame me if it does offend you in some way! There is an off switch on your telly, you don't have to finish it and life is too short for that kind of nonsense! (Insert winky face here).

Anyhoo, goosfraba is a word that eskimos actually use to calm their children down, and if you've seen the film you will know that it is used with Jack Nicholsons patients when they start to lose their tempers.

Anger is the only thing you can't get rid of by losing it, and this provided his patients with a way of refocussing and changing the narrative before control was lost. Its a great movie filled with a lot of very funny moments but also some important life lessons.

I don't know about you, but as an adult, life all of a sudden became so much harder than I had ever anticipated. It became a battle each day just to achieve the simplest of things and do everything that I needed to, and somewhere in amongst the washing, the cooking, the cleaning, the work, food shopping - the list goes on - somewhere in amongst the drudgery of my day to day existence, I got lost.

That little girl became a distant memory, almost like a dream that I couldn't quite reach out and touch. She became a reminder of everything I believed I was missing out on.

It became hard to think about it all without getting angry at everyone else because I couldn't see what I had achieved. All I could see was the world that I wanted was slipping away through my fingers with each passing second, and that little girl was blurred by the insane fog of daily life, slowly disappearing along with everything I ever wanted.

It created a deep chasm in my heart and soul as I watched people around me moving forward while I stood still and stagnant.

Single parenthood had left me feeling trapped, which then made me feel guilty, which then made me resent the life that I felt we should be able to have because the one that we were living wasn't where I had pictured myself.

The thing is..... and this really is the crux of it.... I was so angry at the world because that little girl had such big dreams that I thought had been crushed by the realities of life, that I was stopping myself from seeing the amazing blessings that were right in front of me.

I had two beautiful, healthy, happy children. Yes, they drove me to distraction at times but I was incredibly blessed that they were born without incident. They grew up with family around them that loved and adored them and were incredibly supportive during times that would have been almost impossible without them.

We had a roof over our heads and food in the cupboards. Maybe I wasn't doing the type of work at the time that I wanted to but we had a home. It was warm and clean and comfortable. They had three meals a day. They had clean clothes and warm beds to sleep in and plenty of toys to play with.

They grew up out in nature, collecting leaves, skimming stones, hearing stories about wizards trapped in trees and fairies saving the forest.

They had love, cuddles, kisses, songs sung to them, birthday parties, holidays, friends.

We didn't have much as far as the worlds idea of wealth went, and for a long time I couldn't see past that but actually, we were so rich in ways that cannot be bought, and I wouldn't change that for the world.

In reality, goosfraba is not just a calming tool to be used when life gets a little lary. Its so much more than that.

Its a way to stop, to breathe, to flip the narrative, change the perspective and see what is actually in front of you in the right way.

I look back at that little girl who had such big dreams and I smile now. I smile because she has achieved so much more than she ever dared to hope.

She has stood up and fought for the things she believes in, and the tiny part she played in that actually helped to champion real change.

She has fought for those causes that are important to her and has never been afraid to speak out against the injustice she witnesses every day.

She has quietly done things that have had an impact on other peoples lives at an individual level without any recognition or need to be seen, and she has so much to be proud of.

She writes openly about life, about her life and is not afraid to share life experiences, mistakes she has made, lessons she has learned and the truly personal moments that have made her who she is today in the hope that her lessons may make the difference for someone else at the start of a similar journey.

She has gone to hell and back, proudly and openly baring the scars of the survivor.

She does not hide away and allow the anger, bitterness and hate of others that clouded her days for so long stop her from living.

She has grasped that negativity, wielded it into a weapon and used it to fight her way out of the darkness that she was left in.

She is a warrior. Her battles have been hard, but she continues to fight every day because she understands just how precious every single second of this life is.

She is growing into a Queen who understands her true value and who is forging her way in an unforgiving world. She is learning to see the beauty of the little things that she does every single day and understand that whilst they may not seem earth shattering, those small things can turn into mighty things.

She keeps her tribe close around her and has learned that not everyone needs to be part of that. Not everyone needs to love her. Not everyone should.

I am her. She is me.

We are one and the same with a unique understanding of what is important.

We live together and apart, separated by time but joined by heart.

We are the maiden and the mother, and as time moves on like a river, flowing fast and strong we will become the crone. Three stages, three existences, three different levels of understanding brought together in the same soul with a lifetime of love, experience and magic to share.

This can be you. Embrace it. Don't be disappointed that life didn't go the way you had planned.

I know you will have achieved so much more than you realise.

You just have to stop, breathe, take stock, and understand that those achievements may not show themselves in the way that you expect, but will always be there for you to see if you just dare to look.

Until next time...........